Monday, 3 April 2006

Don't offend my new found religious beliefs

Despite massive poverty in their country, the Pakistan authorities have a strange idea of priority.

The Pakistan government are "seeking an internationally applicable law against blasphemy", says BBC News, based on their outrage against websites that have been inviting people to draw cartoons of the prophet Mohammed.

Hmm, that's an interesting idea, but falls flat as the basis that we are all Muslims, is somewhat false. Therefore someone drawing a picture of Mohammed rolling in pig faeces would not be blasphemy to me.

Every day I thank God I'm an agnostic. I don't have to put up with the bullshit of some book written thousands of years ago. I don't have to have dumb superstitions about contraception. I can eat crawfish if I want to do so. I even say hello to gay people.

Why is it that people who claim belief in religion try and stop my rights? A few years ago, some total moron working in a chemists decided not to sell the morning-after pill to someone because they (the worker that is) were Catholic. That's right, not the customer - this guy was putting his religious beliefs onto other people. It was the only chemists open at the time, too. Scum bag.

"Oh, but Peter", some of you may whine, "that's what he believes, he should be allowed to do that". Fine, as long as he accepts a deservedly given P45. If you're working in a chemists, you have to expect to serve contraception to people, yes, people who somehow have chosen not to share your narrow-minded religious belief. He picked the job, he should know what comes with it.

So there's no need to drag religion into anything, especially when you consider almost all the major religions have, in their holy books, policies encouraging all or any of the following:

* Male superiority.
* Homophobia.
* Forced marriages.
* Slavery.
* Discrimination against non-believers

The last thing the world needs is more religious law. "Blasphemy" is a pretend offence. It's about as valid as crying over someone telling you that Santa Claus isn't real. (Actually, come to think of it, there's more evidence for Santa Claus being real than there is for any "god" of a major religion being real. Apologies to any Claus-ites out there.)

Still, if we are going to have a religion or religions protected by international law, then we need to include the one me and my friends invented a few years ago down the pub.

We are the Church of Gary Wilmot. We are the best religion because:

* None of our preachers have interfered with small children, so we're better than the Catholic church.
* We're not involved with the bigoted Ian Paisley at all, so we've risen above Protestants..
* We can pick up that weekend overtime pay, so that places us above Judaism.
* We won't force you marry anyone, so we've eclipsed Hinduism.
* Your property is yours, let's face it, and thus, we're above Buddhism.
* Here, have some blood transfusions. We score over Jehovah's Witnesses.
* We couldn't give a damn about what two consenting adults do in private as long as no-one is harmed, this gives us wins over all branches of Christianity and Islam.
* The existence of our god is actually provable, quite a novelty for any religion these days. We've eclipsed all the others!

As a founder of this religion, I'd like to add in some rules however. Rules forcing everyone to make fun of religious icons (yes, even our own, to be fair, that Wilmot is asking for it), use contraceptives and to drink beer daily.

By default, followers of most other religions will cause blasphemy against us if they go about their beliefs, so we can file suit against them. And wipe out every other religion by the power of the lawyer!

Hell yes! I never thought I'd say something positive about lawyers.

And here concludes the most offensive blog entry I've ever written. Not that it's offensive to me, but hey, if you need an imaginary friend to tell you what to do, that's your problem.

No comments: