Monday, 14 August 2006

Science Friction

Right now we have a bunch of international astronomers gathering in the Czech Republic, to settle that age-old argument of "that Pluto, eh, is that a planet or an annoying cartoon dog?"

I'm not quite sure why you have to jet off to Prague to make this decision, although I do suspect it's to stage a pub crawl across the city. If the planet-ists make it across Charles Bridge for their final pint of Budvar, then yes, Pluto will cling on to the status its shares with Mercury, Venus, Earth, Wind and Fire.

It's a fascinating thing to hear of experienced sages reclassify things we've known all our lives. I, for one, cannot wait until this Pluto argument is sorted out, and we can have these boffins sort out more urgent matters of reclassification.

Such as Luton. I put forward the idea that this so-called "Bedfordshire town" is not a geographical 'town' in any sense, but is in fact a virus. Those who disagree with me should try spending any length of time in the wretched place.

Also, the words "Registered at the Post Office as a newspaper" will appear in The Daily Star, for reasons that have always been unclear to me. I should not need any scientist to point out the errors in that assumption, and hope that the Post Office rectify this mistake immediately.

We, the general public, are told Graham Norton is a "comedian", and not a "one trick pony who would only be funny if his testicles were wired up to the National Grid".

Scientific experts must also speak out against the popular misconception of Big Brother contestant Nikki being "entertaining" and "lovable". Granted, there is no Latin species name for "spoilt and irritating tortoise-faced gremlin with a penchant for naturally impersonating Veruca Salt at any given opportunity", but the biologist community must invent one, and insist that Heat magazine use it as a prefix to all their headlines about the whiny Baby-Jane-esque brat over the next six months.

I see so much work for the Tefal-heads. The misinformation out there is intense. The Vicar Of Dibley is a "comedy", Keane are a "rock band" and Coca-Cola Zero has a "great" "taste".

Somebody out there in Prague, please fix these things immediately. Just as soon as you've finished ogling the lapdancers at some neon-lit bar in Wenceslas Square.

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