Wednesday, 30 August 2006

Do Not Adjust Your Set, It's Dubya

US broadcaster CNN has apologised after an speech by George W Bush was accidentally broadcast over the top of an anchorwoman's chat with a colleague.

The conversation between Kyra Phillips and another woman would have been clearly heard, but the network accidently aired live footage of Mr Bush talking to New Orleans.

During the chat, President Bush feigned concern for non-white people, and ignored the issue of his administrations' failure on environmental control.

CNN apologised to viewers and Ms Phillips, citing "audio difficulties".

The programme was broadcasting about 90 seconds of the anchorwoman's conversation during what has been described as a bathroom or hair and make-up break, but viewers also heard Mr Bush's speech live from New Orleans.

The gaffe happened when an outside broadcast team thought it apt to air the views of the neanderthal cretin, spewing false platitudes in the very city he failed to protect. This action was akin to handing round a West Midlands Police Force Benevolent Fund tin at the release party for the Birmingham Six.

CNN issued a statement apologising for the error. "We apologise to our viewers for the president making the disruption."

Monday, 14 August 2006

Science Friction

Right now we have a bunch of international astronomers gathering in the Czech Republic, to settle that age-old argument of "that Pluto, eh, is that a planet or an annoying cartoon dog?"

I'm not quite sure why you have to jet off to Prague to make this decision, although I do suspect it's to stage a pub crawl across the city. If the planet-ists make it across Charles Bridge for their final pint of Budvar, then yes, Pluto will cling on to the status its shares with Mercury, Venus, Earth, Wind and Fire.

It's a fascinating thing to hear of experienced sages reclassify things we've known all our lives. I, for one, cannot wait until this Pluto argument is sorted out, and we can have these boffins sort out more urgent matters of reclassification.

Such as Luton. I put forward the idea that this so-called "Bedfordshire town" is not a geographical 'town' in any sense, but is in fact a virus. Those who disagree with me should try spending any length of time in the wretched place.

Also, the words "Registered at the Post Office as a newspaper" will appear in The Daily Star, for reasons that have always been unclear to me. I should not need any scientist to point out the errors in that assumption, and hope that the Post Office rectify this mistake immediately.

We, the general public, are told Graham Norton is a "comedian", and not a "one trick pony who would only be funny if his testicles were wired up to the National Grid".

Scientific experts must also speak out against the popular misconception of Big Brother contestant Nikki being "entertaining" and "lovable". Granted, there is no Latin species name for "spoilt and irritating tortoise-faced gremlin with a penchant for naturally impersonating Veruca Salt at any given opportunity", but the biologist community must invent one, and insist that Heat magazine use it as a prefix to all their headlines about the whiny Baby-Jane-esque brat over the next six months.

I see so much work for the Tefal-heads. The misinformation out there is intense. The Vicar Of Dibley is a "comedy", Keane are a "rock band" and Coca-Cola Zero has a "great" "taste".

Somebody out there in Prague, please fix these things immediately. Just as soon as you've finished ogling the lapdancers at some neon-lit bar in Wenceslas Square.